On a daily basis, I have been known to forget many things. I forget to pack a lunch, to cut my nails, to pack a sweater, etc. It happens so often that I try really hard to overcompensate for it. I make lists and little reminders but I often still forget things. I don’t think much of it and I never forget anything I can’t make it through the day without.
What I wonder sometimes though, is whether I’m as easy to forget. I’m left off email chains, group lists, sign in sheets, attendance sheets. I can’t help but wonder if maybe I’m just not memorable. Not to say that I don’t matter but maybe I’m just not pertinent.
You know you have those friends who have certain indicators? Sally wear big glasses and Anna has bright green eyes. I don’t have any of these indicators. I’ve never been able to be summed up in one characteristic. Maybe that’s a good thing, I am too unique to be summarized but maybe it’s a bad thing, there’s nothing really worth noticing.
This often leads me to conclude overall that I’m not worth noticing and it leads me into a spiral of depression that I need help being pulled out of. I use close friends to give me affection and appreciation. Often this doesn’t work in groups because I end up being the third wheel or the odd one out. It has to be a one on one thing so that I can look at them and know they have to talk to me. Just me. No buffer.
When I do this I think I’m bothering them though. Like I’m pulling them away from their lives so they can suffer through depressed social interaction. It’s not fair to make them my security blanket and it’s not right to eat their free time. To make them sit and be happy while I sit and be sad. Like “hey I’m depressed, I called you here so I might eat something today because I know I’m probably dying and I want help but I don’t really want to feel better cause then I’ll just feel worse again”.
It’s a vicious cycle. I’m never really ok.