The manifestations of my anxiety

Every so often, I’ll be sitting in my room and have this uncontrollable need to organize something. This feeling is usually intensified if I have a lot on my mind or if I feel considerably overwhelmed. In the homes of friends this can manifest into a need to help wash dishes and set the table, anything to feel like I have some control over the situation but also, anything to not feel like my presence is a burden or inconvenience.

yesterday, I had just returned home after a long day where something less than great happened. I took all of the laundry out of my dresser, re-folded it and created a new organizational system for my clothes. The entire time I was folding the laundry I couldn’t help but wonder why now, at 8pm, I had decided to do this. but then I realized it was because I hadn’t DECIDED to do it. I felt overwhelmed and needed a task that would help me regain a little control.

I’ve seen this a lot through my life in the form of pages and pages of notes on a very simple concept, grocery lists that are long and organized by food section, to do lists that detail down to when to go to sleep or eat and so much more. When something in my life isn’t as balanced as I would like or need it to be, I channel the control I do have into something else.

It’s not typically a bad thing. Organization never hurt anyone and keeping things clean is always beneficial. However, it can be stressful in itself to feel this need to make that one thing perfect to compensate for something else. Essentially, in order to avoid excessive anxiety, I replace it with manageable stress. Neither stress nor anxiety is good or easy on the body.

I just want you guys to know that it’s okay to not feel okay. It’s okay to walk away from whatever is causing you stress, anxiety or depression. That it’s okay to not be okay so long as you know that soon, you will be.





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