How I look at him

I wish he loved me.

I wish he could look into my eyes and see me as so much more than he does.

When I look into his blue eyes I feel like I’m miles away.

And I can tell him that I don’t love him and I’m happy he’s happy.

But it’s a lie every single time and it eats me up inside.

To hear his dates go well, to hear he thinks they’re swell.

Why couldn’t it have been me, what was missing for us to be a pair.

What was it that was just not there

How could I think everything was going to great

while he felt there was something less to appreciate

Why do we still talk every single day

Why does he hold my heart on Snapchat but not beyond my phone

How can he make me feel like I’m prize

while still forcing me down to size.

He calls me beautiful, sexy, wonderful, adorable.

He thinks all these things and yet as a couple we weren’t capable.

We keep running back into each other arms and it makes me sick

but there’s little I want more at night than a little of his …

Why am I this way? Why can’t I be the one?

Why couldn’t he have been my soulmate, my lover,

my forever.

I’m sick of looking out into the world and wondering if anyone was meant to be mine

I’m sick of smiling and repeating that it’s okay, it’s fine.

I’m sick of everything around me most days

and I take it out on myself in many harmful, stupid ways.



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