I guess I’m a slut and you’re a gentleman

So tonight, the guy I casually sleep with was having dinner with a friend of his. His friend is someone he has had relations with before and he anticipated that they would be occurring this evening. I, of course, have no say in this as we are not in a relationship. So, now I am sitting at my computer and I get a message from a guy I had had relations with a few months ago and he mentioned he’d be up for it today.

What sucks is that I thought about it for so long. I thought about whether I should say yes since I’m not busy. I thought about how I felt about it. Finally, I just said yes, what the hell. I’m nobody’s girlfriend.

He shows up at 11pm and we do the deed and the entire time, I just felt guilty. I felt like I was betraying someone when I hadn’t actually done anything wrong. I didn’t enjoy myself at all and when it was over I wished I’d said no. I felt so useless. I was there but my needs didn’t matter, my feelings didn’t matter…I was like a toy.  You come, you use the toy, you leave. With him I was nothing but with my current casual, I’m everything.

My current guy is so nice to me. He thinks I’m smart and funny and beautiful. He cares more about my needs than his own. He loves cuddling and always picks me up and has me stay the night. Being with him is so amazing and when I’m with him I can almost fool myself into thinking he’s mine until I remember that he’s not. He won’t let me help him cook but always insists on feeding me, if I fall asleep he’ll let me sleep, he never pressures me and I can tell he really cares about me.

I don’t know why I agreed to what happened tonight. Maybe it was because I had nothing better to do. Maybe it’s because I never realized how empty and meaningless our encounters had been before. Maybe it’s because if he was with another person, I could do it too. No matter what the reason, I can’t shake how awful I feel right now. In this moment. When my current guy sends me a text to tell me not to make assumptions and nothing is happening with him tonight. I can’t help but wonder if he feels what I feel and couldn’t go through with it or if it was her call. Either way, I had sex with someone else tonight and he did not. Somehow he got to come across as the gentleman and I ended up seeming like the slut.

(p.s. mom if you read this, I don’t want to talk about it and please don’t ask me about my sex life.)

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