It was a well known fact when I was little that I did not cry. I very rarely cried.
When my parents divorced, I didn’t cry. When I moved and lost all my friends, I did not cry. When I was bullied, tormented and alone for years on end…I did not cry. I was however, very very sad. I had fallen into this constant state of low expectations where a good day was when only 5 people picked on me and only 2 people yelled at me. I was so uncomfortable with my body that I only wore sweatpants and baggy clothes (this hasn’t changed much). I looked at life like tomorrow was a new burden to make my way through.
Doctors hated me. I was lazy and unmotivated and I was very sad. They couldn’t make me happy, they didn’t take my pains away..they just made me numb.
When I was 14 the girl that never cried broke. She shattered into a million pieces. Maybe it was because she didn’t have any friends after 6 years of trying. Maybe it’s because she managed to alienate her whole school and make a bad reputation for herself within a month of attending that school. Maybe it’s because the man behind the bottle when she came home yelled at her and made her hate herself even more than she already did. Regardless, at the age of 14 that girl broke and began to cry. Not once in a while but all the time. The armor she had built wasn’t strong enough anymore and she collapsed into a puddle of misery that no one wanted to mop up.
This was my all time low of life. This is where I looked outside my window and saw nothing coming my way and no one waiting for me. So I gave up. At least, I tried to. I left the marks but I wasn’t strong enough to take it all the way. Something stopped me.To this day, I don’t know what it was. Maybe it was thinking of my dad and how much I’d miss him. Maybe it was thinking of my mom and how I’d be leaving her alone to fight the battle she got herself into with marriage. Maybe it was wondering if my life could possibly get worse and wouldn’t it be funny to see if it could? I’ll never know. All I know is I couldn’t do it on that night and the more I thought about it, the harder it became to even think about.
Today, I look at my life and I know it’s still not great but I have gained a lot since that day. I have a lot of people that I can look at and call family, both blood and not. I have people in my life who I know who probably follow me if I jumped off a bridge which contributes significantly to why I never will. I don’t have a boyfriend, or a career in mind or any life goals. But I have a support system and friends and people who believe that I can do great things. I don’t know why they think that but they do. Today I am known for being sarcastic and sassy but also for being a good friend, a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear.
I’ll never know that lives I’ve touched by being here today but if you stick around I certainly have lots of stories to tell.