Well then…men

He’s a jerk at times.

He’s charming.

He’s a prick.

He’s got a killer smile.

He’s got mesmerizing eyes.

He’s gives great hugs.

He tells me what I need to hear when I am at my lowest.


But every one of them was different.

First, he was neglectful, he didn’t care about me outside of certain times of the day. So I learned from him and I Knew that I would need a guy who would be there for me when I needed him.

Next, he was quiet. It was nice at times because I could vent but he never spoke his mind. He never shared stories. He was always quiet and eventually we ran out of things to say. I learned I needed a man with a voice, with an opinion.

Following him, he was competitive at having at worst life. I could never talk about my problems because his were always worse. If I was having a bad day, his was worse. If I felt sad, he felt miserable. I needed a rock and he was a puddle. I needed someone who could support me when I was sad instead of making it about them. He made everyday a sad day. If I wasn’t sad for me, I had to be for him. He made me realize I needed a strong man, someone who knew how to piece themself together. Someone who could be in touch with their emotions but not be swallowed by them.

Finally, he never felt a thing. Sure he could laugh and smile and be angry but he never told me how he felt. I guessed everyday, all the time. Are you sad? mad? frustrated? what’s bothering you? The more I asked, the more frustrated be became and the more frustrated I became that I couldn’t figure out what he was feeling. This taught me that I need someone who will tell me how they feel. Someone who will look at me and say “babe, I’m mad at my mom”. That’s all I need…that’s all I needed.


So…now I am sitting here. Wondering. Wondering if the guys my eyes are on fits this bill and I am not sure he does.

I know he has opinions, I know we could talk for hours. CHECK

I know he would be there for me when I was sad instead of competing. CHECK

I know he would tell me how he felt because he already does at time. CHECK

My only concern is that he may be neglectful. He may not be there for me when I need him to be. I’m not saying he needs to be there 24/7 but  I need a man who will answer when I send a message even if it’s just with a “hey, busy, talk later”. As long as it’s something.

My fear right now is he won’t be able to do that.

My biggest fear is that he never gives me the time of day to find out.



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