I go to church. That isn’t saying a lot because a lot of people go to church, including a lot of people who do not believe in God or in a higher power at all. They simply go because they have to.
I started going to church when I was 18. This was not so long ago. I was brought to church by my boyfriend at that time (the highest of mistakes dating him turned out to be). However, I believe today that I was brought to church by God not by my ex-boyfriend. I believe that God used him to get me there but He knew my ex-boyfriend was not my fate.
Anyway, a few weeks ago, a good friend of mine got to preach. He gave the sermon and it was amazing. Long…but amazing. Near the end of his sermon he called out to the congregation. He called out to anyone who wanted to grow closer to God. He called out to the people who come but aren’t true followers. He called out to anyone who felt they could know God more. Basically..in my mind…he called out to me.
Since I started going to church, I always felt like a phony. I haven’t read a lot of the Bible and I do not know most of the stories. I know Jonah and Job and Adam and Eve but overall, I know nothing. When I look at myself, I see a terrible christian. I see a girl who likes the concept of church but not the work behind it. I can go to church and not eat pork and not buy things that day …but do I really understand what it means to be a christian? Does anyone? So, when my friend called out for people to come up and give their names, I wanted to go. I twitched a bit but I didn’t go.
At the end of it, after many people had gone up, my friend said “do we have one more?”. This was it…another chance, I could go now. My heart was telling me to press forward but I couldn’t move my feet. This all encompassing fear of what I would be embarking in took hold of my feet and kept me still. This fear instilled by Satan kept me from seeking God further and growing in my faith.
I know this post is not what I usually write about and it’s hard for me to express what I felt in that moment and how I still feel today but I guess I am looking for a bit of guidance. Have you ever felt this way? Have you ever felt like you were being held back but you didn’t know why?.
I have a lot of faith in God. I just don’t have a lot of faith in myself.