Crushed by a crush

Since we were little, people have told us that we have a crush when we don’t know any better. When we’re little it’s an adorable event where our parents set up play dates or we share our crayons with them. We’re too young to understand our feelings so we let others decide our feelings for us. As we get older, having a crush becomes a much different thing. We may not always see it at first but the people around us will. Our friends will ask if we like that person and we will laugh or brush it off because even we don’t know it yet. Once we acknowledge it, the crush only grows.

For me, when I have a crush on someone, I get weird. I feel the need to talk endlessly because I don’t want to bore them. I stare at them when they’re not looking. I try to stand near them but not too close to be creepy. The problem with crushes is that they alter our behavior. It changes how we act and treat that person. Moreover, we’ve created all these scenarios in our head where that person realizes they like us back and we live happily ever after. Then, we feel hopeless when we realize our fantasies are farfetched and highly unlikely.

I think the worst feeling is when you can feel a crush building but you cannot do anything to stop it. You know it won’t work out, you try hard to stop it but you can’t. That is what is happening to me right now. There’s a guy I work with. Of course I think he’s funny and smart and has a good taste in music. I know he could never return the feelings I am developing but I still can’t stop them from developing. At first it was stolen glances and small inside jokes. Now it has become any possible interaction I can get with him and trying to not seem as stupid as I feel when I am around him.

Isn’t that how it always is? We put our crushes on this higher level and convince ourselves that we can’t reach; that we are somehow inferior. The reality is everyone has qualities and flaws and we deserve them as much as they deserve us. I would love to say that everyone should throw caution to the wind and take that chance with their crush but I would simply be a hypocrite because I would never do it. The opportunities for him to express any interest in me have been there. Many moments where we have been alone or hanging out. Every hint I could drop has been dropped. All that is possibly left is to just tell him but I can’t take that step. I am a coward and I know it. but you…are you a coward? Can you take that step, can you reach that level? Can you look at your crush and realize you’re just as good as them and all you have to do is leap? Take that chance and not look back?

I am going to sit here. I am going to be unhappy and alone because fear controls me. The fear of losing him is too great to take the risk. That’s just me though, what will you do?

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