Sometimes I wake up and I wonder what I should miss about you. Should I miss talking to you about my day or about my life? Should I miss confiding in you and having someone to escape to? Because I do. I miss knowing that I was never alone even though I always kind of felt alone.
With him, I felt there was this divide I couldn’t cross. Like no matter how far I jumped or how much I stretched I could never reach a deeper part of him. All I could reach was the surface of his life, the surface of his affection and the surface that reflected what he wanted me to see.
For a long time, I believed he was honest and kind and loved me as deeply as he said. As time went on, his facade began to crack and he started to slip up. He’d tell me how he spent a night but then tell me he spent it another way later. Where at the beginning he let me play games on his phone, he’d began to hide it from me. Where our conversations used to feel so full and full of potential, I began to realize I was manufacturing most of the conversation and he wasn’t really participating so much as he was smiling over my shoulder.
I feel as though I should miss him so much more than I do because I fell so deep so quickly. But then I realize that I fell for the person I thought he was rather than who he was. And sadly, the person he was is not the kind of person I would wish on anyone.
He was the kind of man whose eyes wandered just as a woman was walking by, but not on occasion; every time. He was the kind of man who held you close when he needed it but rarely when you needed it. He was the kind of man to make you travel an hour but he wouldn’t travel 20feet. I’m ashamed that it took me so long to realize the type of person he was.
They say love is blind but love isn’t blind. infatuation is blind. Need is blind. They’re blind because they’re seeking someone to fill the void rather than seeking someone who makes us realize we are void without them.
I wasn’t void without him.